Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Okay. . .so maybe I'm stressing too much. I actually think my anti-depressant isn't working as good as it was. I'm sort of feeling like I'm going backwards, which really sucks. It stinks to be feeling so great and then, all of the sudden, be right back where I started. But either way, I'm feeling lost as to what I need to do with Hunter. It seems like we get one problem under control and another one pops up. And of course, then I just end up feeling like the biggest failure ever. I'm just getting to the point where I feel like his diabetes is under pretty good control. We have the new glucometer that attatches right to the pump--which is really wonderful. We get out the pump, check his blood, bolus for dinner and correct all in one shot. It's still a lot of work but something about having the glucometer attatched to the pump makes things run a little bit smoother and a lot more consistently. Fingers crossed for a better A1C this October.
But now, it's school and his behavior and it's freaking me out. You know when you get sick and you research it on the internet or in a medical book and you get more and more worried about the sickness and whether or not you are going to die? Well, I'm doing the same thing to myself about Hunter and his behavior. Last week it was his "focus." Today it was "impulsivity." Apparently when he's the center of attention, he's great. But as soon as it's someone else's turn, he's hitting things and blowing and spitting in other kids' faces and all sorts of great things which I'm so thrilled about. Anyway, when I looked it up online it said things like "Impulse Disorder" and "Disruptive Behavior Disorder" and "ADHD" as well as, kleptomania, pyromania and all sorts of funky stuff.
Soooooo. . .uh, help? What did I do so wrong? I know I'm kind of whimpy in the discipline department and I spoil my kids a little too much and I'm really codependant and all that stuff, but am I really that bad? Is Hunter really gonna turn into a kleptomaniac and a pyromaniac and have ADHD to add to his list of challenges, which he already has too many of for a little 5 year old? All because of me? And I thought I was a good mom. Not great, but you know, o.k. at least. I just don't know how to help him--if I knew, he wouldn't be struggling right now. AARRRGGGHHHH!
posted by Shana # 9:16 PM 
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