Monday, April 17, 2006
Waking up was really hard this morning. I tried really hard to stay asleep but the mountain of work with my name written all over it and my wheezing infant and his clogged rice formula bottle kept me from my denial attempts. So, I abandoned my sleep and proceeded to beg Mark to please stay home from work, one more day. We had such a fabulous weekend. Hunter had his first baseball practice and Mark got home early enough to go with us and we even got to eat out afterwards. Mark had Friday off so he went with us to playgroup and we had our pictures done at the mall. They turned out not so bad and it was nice to eat lunch together and finally get an up-to-date family photo. Saturday we had a spectacular Easter Party--a bunch of friends and family came over and dyed eggs with us and Chris and Kathy and Nate threw some candy on the back lawn and the kids had an Easter hunt and we all ate lunch together in the absolutely perfect spring weather. And Sunday we went to church and had a delicious dinner with family and our neighbor Elizabeth and played this really fun game and had pie for dessert. So of course, I wanted the weekend to stretch on just a bit longer and thought maybe, just maybe, if I begged Mark long enough, he would stay home with me. But Mark has work that can't wait and he's a very busy business man nowadays and insisted his meetings be attended to. So I proceeded to pout and complain about the amount of laundry that had consumed my chore list and how I'd never get it done and that I'd probably spend the day at the laundromat in a desperate attempt to get on top of things.
Now sometimes, when I think I'm being whimpy and whiney, I'm really not. I think my subconcious is telling me exactly what I need. But because I'm so darn good at telling myself that I'm just being a whimp, it makes it really easy to ignore my subconcious and not give myself the things that I need. Either that or God knows exactly what I want (or don't want) and then challenges me (or punishes me) accordingly. Either way, my subconsious was right on today and I should have listened to it. But I didn't and I really wish I had.
Instead of going to the laundromat, I decided to be a trooper and do the laundry, one load at a time, here at the homefront. So I fired up a load, fed the kids breakfast, and ran downstairs to start load two. Then our neighbor came over to complain about our chicken some more and said something like, "can you imagine what it would be like if you had more than one?" to which I thought "if you had any idea what we have brewing in our guest bedroom you'd sell your house now." So, I plopped down on the couch to read everyone's blogs because Mark has been chuckling all weekend about certain blogs and my curiosity has been peaked for days and I just had to see what was so funny. So I started to read and all of the sudden I heard a weird bubbling sound and I asked the kids what the noise was and they all said it was the toilet and it had dry ice in it. And the reason they thought that was because we played a joke on them last Halloween and really put some dry ice in the toilet, but I knew that couldn't possibly be true now. Then I heard this terrible gushing, splashing sound of water and immediately put two and two together and knew the basement was currently being flooded by the washing machine draining into a clogged pipe. So I ran downstairs and stopped the washing machine and turned off the water and soaked up what I could, but the damage had been done. And I knew that running any water in our house right now could be really bad and that immediately put a stop to my attempts at cleaning up the disaster left behind by such a spectacular weekend. So I called Mark and looks like there's a massive power outage at work and he really probably should have stayed home one more day afterall. And I just want to sit down and cry because why? Why do things always have to be difficult? I mean I know they have to be sometimes but why so often?
Of course, ever since I found out we're expecting baby number five things have been especially not rose colored. I have my poop-colored glasses on lately and try as I may to see the peachy side of things, it's not working. Everything seems "not fair" and I feel angry about everything. I don't want to be pregnant right now. I just had a baby. It's someone else's turn and I personally know of several people who want to be pregnant right now and aren't. And I think just knowing that makes me especially angry because why me? What am I going to do with another baby? Our house isn't big enough. Our car isn't big enough. And I have no idea how I'm possibly going to give five children enough time and attention, let alone, keep up with all the work that's involved in taking care of a family of seven. And if that isn't bad enough, why does Mark have to start having business trips now, when we'll have five children in the mix and I can't manage four as it is? And if that isn't worse, why does Kathy have to leave me now, when I need her most, to keep me sane when Mark is traveling and to help me through the summer months so my kids don't drown at the beach and bring me Cold Stone on the nights when having five kids seems almost unbearable unless you have a large dish of ice cream and a sister to watch stupid tv shows with? And now our pipes are clogged and our house needs painted and we need a bigger car and a bigger house and family reunion is around the corner and there's just not enough money to go around. And honestly, I know things could be much worse and because I'm complaining they probably will get worse, but sometimes I just have to wish that I could click my heels three times and say "There's no place like home," and poof! I wake up and the house is clean and the chores are done and the kids have had their fill of attention and dinner's in the oven and Mark's home early from work and the bills are all paid and the home repairs are all complete and time would stand still, right there, forever. But life isn't like that and the only solace I find now, when I have a day like today, is when I remind myself that no one ever promised us an easy life but that ultimately it would all be worth it. And I find myself clinging to that one promise like it was the last piece of chocolate on earth, rocking myself back and forth like a crazy lady, repeating it over and over, hoping that it's true--really true.
posted by Shana # 10:43 AM 
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