Sunday, February 25, 2007
Jericho just completed his first bottle--all four ounces of it. Justus did the same late last night. Part of me is disappointed. I wanted them to protest a little longer--you know, put up a fight, demand only breastmilk, insist that only I feed them. But they didn't. It's a good thing really. What would I do if they did fight? That would just make quitting even harder. But still. . . as ridiculous as it may sound, I'll never nurse a baby again and I'm terribly sad about it. I've always loved nursing my babies and the closeness and the little sounds they make. . . it will always be one of the little things in life that make it all worth living. At least for me. I'm sure going to miss nursing my babies. On the other hand, it will be nice to have my body back once and for all. After making and feeding three human beings in less than two years, my body needs some time to recover and I'm excited to get "me" back.
I also gave away my first bag of baby clothes this weekend. You'd think I'd be glad to start getting rid of the baby stuff and I am. But again there's a twinge of sadness mixed in with the relief. And as I sorted through the baby gowns and booties I had to stop myself from pulling it all out of the bag and saving it. . . just for memory's sake. I hung onto one thing--a pair of fuzzy blue pajamas that Hunter broke in and the rest of them wore out. I can hardly believe my babies are too big for 0-3 months anymore. When did it happen and where did the time go?
I guess I just wasn't prepared for all of these mixed emotions. I'm glad to be moving on and to be done having babies. But it's a bitter-sweet ending for me and the finality of it all stings the heart just a bit. There are so many things I'll miss. The thrill of feeling a baby kick for the first time. The relief of hearing a healthy heartbeat. The anticipation of that first ultrasound. The excitement of labor and knowing you've made it to the end. Seeing the baby for the first time. Holding their tiny feet and fingers in my hand. Nursing. The warmth of a newborn sleeping all curled up on my chest. The sweet smell of their necks and mouths. The joy that comes with each smile and giggle. I know babies aren't the only sweetness that life has to offer us. I'm just going to miss it and I really wish it didn't happen so fast. I wish there was some way to capture this moment in my life and keep it forever, just for those days when I need to cuddle a baby for a minute or two. That would be heavenly.
posted by Shana # 5:26 PM 
|
|
|
